It's time for Five Minute Friday where a flash mob of writers join to write purely for the joy of it and then share our thoughts over at Lisa-Jo's.
I think I'm broken.
No. I know I am.
I'm a people-pleaser, a mess of insecurities stitched together with good intentions. I can't sleep at night because I'm constantly thinking of what all has to be done. I over-commit and sometimes under-deliver. I don't have the right words. I pretend to be tough when I'm falling apart inside. I struggle with entitlement and pride.
I have Christmas decorations that have been on my floor since December. My clothes are piled on my sister's bed, transforming it into a second closet. I'm a neat freak who is too tired to care.
I give in too easily, sometimes sacrificing what I want for the sake of peace. Some nights I would rather stay in and watch a movie than go out with friends. I suffer from a massive fear of failure, of not being good enough. I like to speed and constantly pray I won't get caught...while maintaining my pace. And even now, I feel this post is a little too vulnerable, too raw.
But I can't leave it there. Neither can I brag about my strengths or "attractive qualities." I didn't come by them honestly. Like Michelangelo's David, I'm a scarred piece of marble in need of refinement.
He picks me up daily. Humbles me through those around me. He steadies me when my brain feels like mush. He inspires me when I have nothing left to spit out on the page. He reminds me...constantly....that He's holding me. He has a plan.
My mess is His message. My brokenness is His beautiful canvas. So I boast in it. I'm a perfectionist who needs the artistic strokes of the master Creator to turn me into a masterpiece. Slowly, but surely, He is molding me. Refining every rough edge. Pulling me out of the fire and sticking me back in again because He can't quite see His image yet.
But one day, this broken woman will gleam. I just have a few spots left at the moment.
"a mess of insecurities stitched together with good intentions" me too. So true. Lovely.
ReplyDeleteHi Kariss! I'm stopping by from 5MF - I can totally relate to this being broken, and embracing my mess as HIS message! So glad to "meet" you!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how He can take our mess and turn it into something absolutely amazing?! Thank you for your words and sharing your heart today...beautiful. Have a blessed Easter!
ReplyDeleteUgh, me too! A hot mess of good intentions mixed up often times with warped motivation. So thankful He is a gracious - and creative! - God.
ReplyDeleteMy mess is His message. My brokenness is His beautiful canvas
ReplyDeleteOh yes! PERFECTLY said! Thank you for sharing!
...and we works of God gleam even in our broken unfinishedness. Well said. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for being vulnerable! The tests become our testimony, don't they?
ReplyDelete"Slowly, but surely, He is molding me. Refining every rough edge."
ReplyDeleteAmen sister. I just wrote something kind of like this myself. Jesus is amazing at meeting us in our mess and molding us at the same time.
Janelle Marie
gracecalling.net
Beautiful. I can relate- I've had those days-weeks-months when it's all pell-mell and do-what-you-can but it's never enough. Hope, faith and trust carry you through, always.
ReplyDeleteBeauty and truth here...honesty and hope. Joining you as a fellow broken sister begging His light to shine through our cracks...Thank you for the blessing of your words. Have a wonderful Easter!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by, Jacque! So glad I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteI love the promise in scripture that He carries us in our weakness. And He is enough in these crazy seasons! So thankful!
ReplyDeleteHey Janelle, so thankful the Lord molds our messes! Thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteIt's so cool to see that the Lord takes strangers on similar journeys. All are meant to mold us into His image. Gotta love that refining process! I'm with ya, friend!
ReplyDeleteHey Alene! Thanks for reading! Good to "talk" to you again after such a long hiatus!
ReplyDeleteHey Kimberly! So true. Thank goodness for grace and for a God who specializes in masterpieces!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement, Kristin! I'm constantly in awe of how the Lord molds my story into something I never could have imagined. Just gotta remember to thank Him in the rough spots. He is so good.
ReplyDeleteHey girl, thank you so much for your gentle words. I needed to hear them today. I'm learning to be more vulnerable in my writing, and this was definitely a stretch for me. But, man, He gets so much glory and encourages others in my raw moments. Just another He redeems them! Looking forward to reconnecting. :)
ReplyDeleteSuch a great way to put it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Wick!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you stopped by, Loni. And I'm so thankful the Lord transforms our stories for His glory!
ReplyDeleteI think those are 2 of my favorite characteristics of God - gracious and creative. And so, so, so good.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mel! Hope you had a beautiful Easter!
ReplyDeleteSo glad to "meet" you, too!
ReplyDelete:) Glad I'm not alone, and so glad you stopped by!
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