It's time for Five Minute Friday where a flash mob of writers join to write purely for the joy of it and then share our thoughts over at Lisa-Jo's.
I think I'm broken.
No. I know I am.
I'm a people-pleaser, a mess of insecurities stitched together with good intentions. I can't sleep at night because I'm constantly thinking of what all has to be done. I over-commit and sometimes under-deliver. I don't have the right words. I pretend to be tough when I'm falling apart inside. I struggle with entitlement and pride.
I have Christmas decorations that have been on my floor since December. My clothes are piled on my sister's bed, transforming it into a second closet. I'm a neat freak who is too tired to care.
I give in too easily, sometimes sacrificing what I want for the sake of peace. Some nights I would rather stay in and watch a movie than go out with friends. I suffer from a massive fear of failure, of not being good enough. I like to speed and constantly pray I won't get caught...while maintaining my pace. And even now, I feel this post is a little too vulnerable, too raw.
But I can't leave it there. Neither can I brag about my strengths or "attractive qualities." I didn't come by them honestly. Like Michelangelo's David, I'm a scarred piece of marble in need of refinement.
He picks me up daily. Humbles me through those around me. He steadies me when my brain feels like mush. He inspires me when I have nothing left to spit out on the page. He reminds me...constantly....that He's holding me. He has a plan.
My mess is His message. My brokenness is His beautiful canvas. So I boast in it. I'm a perfectionist who needs the artistic strokes of the master Creator to turn me into a masterpiece. Slowly, but surely, He is molding me. Refining every rough edge. Pulling me out of the fire and sticking me back in again because He can't quite see His image yet.
But one day, this broken woman will gleam. I just have a few spots left at the moment.