Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Doubting Thomas...That's So Me

I haven't written in a month...something that has not happened in the history of this blog. I apologize. It isn't because things haven't been going on or that the Lord hasn't been teaching me is actually that He has and I have been arguing with Him about them. The last six weeks have been a waiting period. And this is my moment of transparency...PATIENCE IS NOT MY VIRTUE.

Now that I have admitted that ugly truth, it seems that the Lord decided that He would teach me both patience, trust, and confidence in Him the last month. I wish I could say lesson learned...but I am still wrestling with it. The more I have thought and prayed about it, the more I have noticed the Lord bringing back the lesson He was trying to teach me last summer... "Be still and know that I AM God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth." Psalm 46:10. I truly believe that when we are still before the Lord, we are in a state of surrender that allows and asks the Lord to move in mightier ways. Because of that submission, the Lord can and will be glorified in the nations and the whole earth. Don't get me wrong...the Lord can still work in the midst of my stubbornness for His glory, but submission is precious to Him because it is acknowledging His Lordship and that nothing I ever attempt to do will ever measure up to what He can do and wants to do in and through me.

That being said, as I have been waiting for graduate school responses and internship responses and life-altering decisions to be made, I have been frustrated. For many reasons. However, as I questioned and tried to demand my way with the Lord and begged and pleaded, several other stories came to mind from God's Word.

Through them I was humbled.

1)Doubting Thomas
As a visual person it is hard for me to see God moving when He doesn't seem to be giving me a direction. I am willing and ready to go wherever He calls but He seems very silent on the issue right now. I began to doubt that the Lord would answer prayer. I praised Him as, over the last few weeks, I have seen Him answer prayer in big ways for my friends and family, but I doubted that He could and would move in my life. Wow, what a lack of faith on my part. I realized I didn't want to be like Thomas who doubted what the Lord had promised until He saw it AFTER it had already been brought to pass.

But I am.

So instead of praying that the Lord will enlarge my territory, I am praying "Lord, forgive my unbelief, and enlarge my faith."

2)Moses on the mountain
Right now, I feel so inadequate to write in an effective way. I lack certain skills necessary to do what I want to do, and grad school would really help that training and give me a professor to personally walk through it with me. But in depending on all that, I am doing what Moses did standing in front of the burning bush. The Lord said to Moses, "Who made man's mouth?" Now the Creator of the Universe is speaking and pretty much saying well Moses, do you not think I am big enough to speak through you or enable you to do what I have called you to? Yet Moses still doubts and tells God that he still can't do it. So the Lord grows angry with Moses and gives the responsibility that He called Moses to to his brother Aaron instead. I don't want to abdicate what God has called me to to someone else, nor do I want to be like Moses and tell God I am incapable without human help to bring this to pass.

But I am.

I have begun praying that the Lord will lay on my heart what He wants me to write, that I would listen, that I would be an encouragement to others, and that the Lord would provide someone to come alongside me and walk me through this process, with or without grad school.

3)Peter and the waves
I know the Lord is faithful and I am learning His tender love, but I get distracted, caught up, stressed out, and lose sight of the big picture. And I once again begin to walk by sight and not by faith. Peter was willing to walk out on a raging sea to Jesus, but he grew distracted by the wind and the waves around Him and began to sink. Just like our gentle Savior, Jesus reaches down and pulls Peter out of the waves. He tells His disciples that if they had faith the size of a mustard seed, they could move mountains in His name. He tells them their faith is small. I don't want to be like Peter who gets distracted by the storms of life.

But I am.

I am praying that the Lord would help me fix my eyes on Him and that He would increase my faith.

So there is my confession. My life is not put together, perfect, or ideal. I am a royal mess and I am SO glad that I serve a God who delights in taking a royal mess and turning it into a royal masterpiece. May He use these realizations to continue to transform me into His image. "He who began a good work in you will be FAITHFUL to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus." Romans 8:28

From mess to eventual masterpiece,

"Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass." 1 Thessalonians 5:24