Sunday, May 23, 2010

New Chapter, New Me.

I began this blog last June at the suggestion of some of the ladies who were mentoring me at Focus. My intent was to chart my journey...what God has been teaching me. That month marked a new chapter for me, a chapter of leaving college a year early and being launched into the real world after being rejected from Texas Tech grad school (which I had taken for granted), and with no real direction other than I needed a job so I could reapply for grad school.

It's funny how all the plans I make seem to fall through. This time last year, I would have been angry about that. Well, not would have been...I was. Right now there is acceptance and surrender. I still don't know what the Lord is doing but I love the verse in Nahum that says "The Lord is GOOD, a stronghold in the day of trouble and He knows those who trust in Him."

So after 11 rejection letters from graduate programs, a handful of rejections from internships, a full year spent in Lubbock when I only planned on 5 months, and a very full car and long drive move back to Dallas, I have come to a very interesting conclusion. Nothing in the last year has changed. I still don't know where I am going to be 2 months from now, 6 months, a year. I still don't have a full time job. I'm still pursuing applications and career options but I am back where I was last June.

Except for this very important fact. I'm not that girl anymore. Last June, I began these posts very bitter, angry, disappointed, feeling a failure. This time this year, I have felt all those things in the last year all over again, but the difference is I didn't cling to them. I saw what they did in my life...they were pure POISON. No other way to put it. It affected my relationships with my friends, my family, my joy over graduating, everything. After having tasted it, I wanted no part of it this year.

The Lord broke me last summer. Completely and totally. I remember going back to my apartment one night, closing and locking the dead bolt so my roommates wouldn't walk in, and then yelling at God, crying, and raging. I wanted my career path to glorify Him, I wanted to learn and grow, I had thought I was following His plan but none of it got me the end results I wanted. But again, nothing has changed. God is still God and I am no more in control today then I was last summer. Who knows why I applied to 11 schools and didn't get in? But here's a thought...who knows how He used my stories in the lives of the acceptance committees who had to read the Christian content in my stories? Who knows how the Lord could have used that? If I hadn't applied for those schools or committed to my college minister to go back to Lubbock simply to lead a small group college Bible study, the Lord may not have changed me in the same way.

Still no direction. Still no job. Still not sure why I needed to move back home. But of this I am sure. My Jesus hasn't changed.I am beginning a new chapter once again and the title is not yet written. I am excited. I am no longer the girl of last summer. My heart has been changed, softened, assured.

Stay tuned as the my never changing God walks with me into this new phase. He is Good.

Celebrating His goodness,

The steadfast love of the Lord never changes, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul," and I will HOPE in Him."

1 comment:

  1. "But of this I am sure, my Jesus hasn't changed." --> SO awesome.

    Keep me updated on this next chapter of your life, Kariss.