New Chapter, New Me.

I began this blog last June at the suggestion of some of the ladies who were mentoring me at Focus. My intent was to chart my journey...what God has been teaching me. That month marked a new chapter for me, a chapter of leaving college a year early and being launched into the real world after being rejected from Texas Tech grad school (which I had taken for granted), and with no real direction other than I needed a job so I could reapply for grad school.

It's funny how all the plans I make seem to fall through. This time last year, I would have been angry about that. Well, not would have been...I was. Right now there is acceptance and surrender. I still don't know what the Lord is doing but I love the verse in Nahum that says "The Lord is GOOD, a stronghold in the day of trouble and He knows those who trust in Him."

So after 11 rejection letters from graduate programs, a handful of rejections from internships, a full year spent in Lubbock when I only planned on 5 months, and a very full car and long drive move back to Dallas, I have come to a very interesting conclusion. Nothing in the last year has changed. I still don't know where I am going to be 2 months from now, 6 months, a year. I still don't have a full time job. I'm still pursuing applications and career options but I am back where I was last June.

Except for this very important fact. I'm not that girl anymore. Last June, I began these posts very bitter, angry, disappointed, feeling a failure. This time this year, I have felt all those things in the last year all over again, but the difference is I didn't cling to them. I saw what they did in my life...they were pure POISON. No other way to put it. It affected my relationships with my friends, my family, my joy over graduating, everything. After having tasted it, I wanted no part of it this year.

The Lord broke me last summer. Completely and totally. I remember going back to my apartment one night, closing and locking the dead bolt so my roommates wouldn't walk in, and then yelling at God, crying, and raging. I wanted my career path to glorify Him, I wanted to learn and grow, I had thought I was following His plan but none of it got me the end results I wanted. But again, nothing has changed. God is still God and I am no more in control today then I was last summer. Who knows why I applied to 11 schools and didn't get in? But here's a thought...who knows how He used my stories in the lives of the acceptance committees who had to read the Christian content in my stories? Who knows how the Lord could have used that? If I hadn't applied for those schools or committed to my college minister to go back to Lubbock simply to lead a small group college Bible study, the Lord may not have changed me in the same way.

Still no direction. Still no job. Still not sure why I needed to move back home. But of this I am sure. My Jesus hasn't changed.I am beginning a new chapter once again and the title is not yet written. I am excited. I am no longer the girl of last summer. My heart has been changed, softened, assured.

Stay tuned as the my never changing God walks with me into this new phase. He is Good.

Celebrating His goodness,
Kare

The steadfast love of the Lord never changes, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul," and I will HOPE in Him."

Personal Psalms

When I was in the youth group in high school, one of my Sunday School teachers did a lesson on the psalms written by David. In my studies of the psalms, I have noticed a few things about the way David prayed.
1) He didn't spare how he felt or pretend he wasn't angry or hurt when He talked to God.
2) Many of his psalms often changed (and this is what I LOVE about David). At the beginning of many of his psalms, David rants or cries out to God, but by the end of the psalm, He is humbly acknowledging the Lord's control over his situation or claiming the Lord as his Comforter or Healer. He may begin them in despair, but he sees the hope as He wraps them up....a true picture of beauty in brokenness.
3) His prayers are honest and very intimate, showing his deep relationship with the God of the Universe.

So here is my challenge to you...write your own psalms, your own prayers or songs to God. Thank Him, vent, go to Him with your hurt and confusion. It is acknowledgment that He knows it anyway. He knows your heart and mind. Use it as a time of confession, repentance, thanks, and sweet talking with your Savior. Some of my favorite times are praying at night in my bed in the quiet and stillness of the evening...like my own pillow talk with the Lord. So here is my own song I wrote back in April. Read it and then write your own. Make that time sweet with the One who loves you like no one else ever can or will!!!!

All to You

From the place deep within me
where hopes and dreams are born
where desire and passion dwell,
who I am, what I live for.
A childhood dream, a calling
a holy, hot pursuit but at the
price of broken dreams and uncertainty,
I release it to you.

All to You
I walk this trail that You are drawing.
All to You
my fist unclench, my knees are falling.
All to you
refine my dreams, reform my calling.
All to You
I'm giving up, forgive my stalling.
Jesus, I surrender all.

This pressure daily building,
knots within my chest.
A hot and heavy burden
burns and lends no rest.
A loss of joy, so lonely
but then I shift my eyes
to the One who gave my dreams to me
and with whom hope never dies.

All to You
I walk this trail that You are drawing.
All to You
my fist unclench, my knees are falling.
All to you
refine my dreams, reform my calling.
All to You
I'm giving up, forgive my stalling.
Jesus, I surrender all.

No greater joy, nor peace
was ever felt
than to return my dreams to Him
so at His cross I knelt.
The taste of surrender on my lips
sweet freedom, no more guilt.

All to You
I walk this trail that You are drawing.
All to You
my fist unclench, my knees are falling.
All to you
refine my dreams, reform my calling.
All to You
I'm giving up, forgive my stalling.
Jesus, I surrender all.
Jesus, I surrender all.

Little Life Lessons

I love the spring. I love the new life that is associated with this time of year...everything is green in Texas, the bluebonnets and Indian paintbrush are blooming and thriving, the birds are coming out, flowers are on the trees, and the rain comes to refresh and make everything new.

Just like the seeds that people plant in their gardens must take root to bloom, the Lord has been planting little seeds in my life lately. The more I meditate on them, the more they become a part of who I am, changing me and morphing me more into a new creation in Christ. I hope they plant seeds in your heart that the Lord may use. After all, I may be the one living the story but the King of Kings is the Author and ultimately it is His story to use for His glory, not mine.

A couple of posts ago, I compared myself to the doubters in the Bible. That is still true of me but the Lord has begun to remind me just who He is in the midst of all that, and here is what He has taught me.

1) There is power in unanswered prayer.
It isn't a lack of God's movement but rather a powerful and better push in a different direction because He has my best interest at heart.

2) Look to see the daily miracles.
We often say the Lord doesn't do miracles in the same way anymore, but the truth may be that we have stopped asking for them or we ask and then don't look. There is rarely a huge unveiling although He does that, too. But I have noticed tiny miracles and answers to prayer more so since I have asked the Lord to show me the miracles that He is performing daily on my behalf. It makes me more thankful and more aware of how awesome He is.

3) He who has called me is faithful.
There is not one promise from Genesis to Revelation that He has not been faithful to answer or is in the process of answering. Nahum 1:7 says that He is good. Other passages say He is faithful and desires to show loving kindness to the righteous. My doubt doesn't change who He is or what He has promised.

4)There is a joy, peace, and deep contentment that comes from being still.
I cannot explain the peace and joy that came when I stopped filling out a million applications and made the decision to be still. Don't get me wrong, I have not given up trying, but when stress, doubt, and frustration were becoming my primary reactions to a career I feel the Lord has called me to, it is time to be still and see what He will do and listen and watch for doors He may open. It's time for a heart check and a time to rest.

5)He is my daily Provider.
Being a substitute teacher has taught me A LOT this year. One being that I have great respect for teachers but the Lord did NOT call me to be one. Every day, I had to trust and pray that the Lord would provide a job for tomorrow. So this has become my prayer over the last months..."Give me this day my daily bread." It is from the Lord's prayer when the Lord is teaching the disciples how to pray. It reminded me daily that the Lord is my Provider, just like He was for the children of Israel when they wandered in the desert. He provided manna and quail for the day and then asked them to trust Him for the next day.

6)The Lord delights in me.
He disciplines me, tests me, allows me to struggle, gives me daily miracles, and chooses not to answer my prayers all for this reason....He DELIGHTS in me. Does that not make you feel TREASURED?!Not only did the God of the Universe choose to make you in His own image, but He says that He delights in you. Psalm 37:23 says,"The steps of a man are established by the Lord and He delights in his way."

Rest in these amazing promises today. They are not tailor fit to me but demonstrate the character of our God and His desires for you.

In Him,
Kariss